Differences in sexual needs. About conflicts of preferences and trade-offs in a relationship

Although we usually look for a person with similar values, interests and preferences for a relationship, probably every close relationship sometimes faces a difference in sex toys needs. Should such a situation be treated as the beginning of the end of the relationship, or rather as the most normal stage worth learning to deal with?

There is no perfect match

Some time ago, the words of Agnieszka Szeżyńska, a sexuality educator and intimacy trainer, stuck in my head about the fact that no two people have exactly the same buy sex toys preferences. After all, we are born with a certain genetically determined temperament, and then each person has completely different experiences from others that shape his sexual personality as unique as a fingerprint. On the one hand, it could be said that this is an obvious, even banal statement, and yet I shoot that many people may fall into the trap of dreams of a partner that is perfectly matched, with exactly the same tastes.In the book "Intimacy Workshops for Couples", Agnieszka emphasizes that it is worth understanding that your_your_ partner_ partner is not and will never be the same as you. And in an interview for the book "More than two" Szeżyńska adds: " John Gottman, a couples therapist, says that 70% of relationship problems are unsolvable and that if we choose a human, we also choose a set of problems that we will have as long as we will be together ”.After all, we are born with a certain genetically determined temperament, and then each person has completely different experiences from others that shape his sexual personality as unique as a fingerprint.Moreover, your characteristics and preferences will most likely change throughout your life, so even if you have similar sexual needs today, they will most likely change over time and may require new arrangements or compromises in the context of your sexual activities. The question for people looking for a happy relationship should therefore not be: "How to find a partner with perfectly matched preferences and needs?", But: "How to create space in a relationship for partners who are what they are?".

Co / non / dependency

I really like the concept of "co / no / dependency", which Agnieszka Szeżyńska introduces in a book for couples and discusses in her workshops. It covers three aspects of the relationship:Community - being with each other, common bond and common truth (views, values)Independence - being yourself, the right of every person to have their own truth (views, values) Interdependence - the awareness that two truths change and interact, so your common truth is constantly being re-established According to the idea of ​​co / inter / dependence, being in a relationship is about the constant creation of a community, and at the same time about acceptance and respect for differences between partners. It is not without reason that at the beginning of this text I used the word "challenge" and not "problem" for relationship differences, because these differences are natural. The easiest way to deal with them is to treat them as a challenge or just something to get used to. Thinking about them in the category of a problem completely changes the optics, making every relationship at some point stop being satisfactory, because there are some differences in each of them.

I say yes, I say no

Although Beata Kozidrak in the song "Taka Warszawa" seems to suggest that saying "yes" and then "no" is sometimes strange, I have the impression that it would be easier for everyone if everyone could always answer "yes" or "no" in accordance with with his needs, even if he has just changed his mind about a previously agreed matter.He sees consent as a continuous process of determining what we can and want to agree to in a given relationship and what not.sex advice for couples differences in sexual needs 3In the "Workshops for Couples", the author suggests that instead of relationship matching (which, as already established, does not exist), talk about consent. He sees consent as a continuous process of determining what we can and want to agree to in a given relationship and what not. Szeżyńska notices that "no" is often treated as a rejection or disregard for the partner's needs, so we may be afraid to say "no" so as not to hurt the other person. But don't we hurt ourselves by agreeing to something against our will?Agnieszka suggests that "yes" and "no" should be treated as equal options. True consent, taking into account the needs and boundaries of both partners, should be based on continuous access to the expression of your truth, that is, both to say "yes" and "no". As Agnieszka notes: "A secure bond can carry the word 'no '." In other words, as my partner says, “ I'm glad you say no. Then I know that when you say "yes" it is sincere and thoughtful . "In turn, Marta Niedźwiecka, sexuality and relationship therapist, in the book "Slow Sex" emphasizes: " In relationships - friendship, relationship - the point is to strive for authentic being together ". Saying "yes" and "no" according to your conscience is a condition of this authenticity. In short, in this part I am trying to say: do not hide from your partner your disagreement with any activity. You can't cope with the difference in needs and boundaries in a relationship if you don't talk about them honestly.

Comfort zone

So what to do in a situation where one person wants to try some new activity and the other person absolutely does not need it? Does one person constantly say "no" get it right? As such differences in needs may appear a lot during the duration of the relationship, it is worth considering whether the fact that I do not need to, for example, try anal sex or introduce BDSM elements to the bedroom, although my partner would very much like to, certainly means that there is no point in trying.In other words: it is worth considering whether, although the activity proposed by my partner is not my need, is it within my comfort zone, or whether it exceeds my limits. Agnieszka Szeżyńska encourages us to develop relationships together, but warns that this should not happen by leaving the comfort zone. The comfort zone is our safe space, and in order to enjoy new activities, it is better to stay in it while being curious about what is outside of it. As part of taking care of the relationship, Marta Niedźwiecka calls for a gradual extension of the comfort zone, i.e. trying new things so as not to fall into a routine.

Willingness and readiness

For this purpose, Szeżyńska proposes to determine what you want and what you want to agree on in harmony with yourself, that is, without going beyond your own limits. Because while I don't feel like the drastic elements of BDSM in sex, maybe I'm ready to be tied up, cover my eyes or spank? Maybe I don't feel like having intercourse with my partner because of the medications I'm taking, but maybe I'm willing to kiss, lick, hug or accompany them to masturbation? If these activities do not raise any objections in me, they are within my comfort zone, why not try?
If I don't feel like it, but I am ready for an activity that would please my partner, I give her some kind of gift. A sexual gift, such as buying or preparing gifts, usually does not have to be a pleasant activity in itself (anyone who has been struggling with a DIY gift or spent hours looking for the perfect gift in a shopping mall or online stores knows it). The pleasure of giving is indirect: it is the joy that your partner is satisfied. I will write more about gifts in the context of consent to sexual activity in the text on the Wheel of consent.

The art of compromise

Marta Niedźwiecka states outright: " Sometimes compromises are rotten, they can also be quite good ." We are talking about rotten compromises when you do not take into account the advice on caring for your limits mentioned above and agree to some kind of activity "for the sake of peace."A rotten compromise would be, for example, to agree to anal sex against your limits and be prepared to do it once and show your partner that it didn't make sense. It is worth considering who would benefit from such consent? I have the impression that neither the agreeing person, who predicts that he will not enjoy it, nor the person proposing the activity, because is it nice to have sex with a partner who does not enjoy it? (As a side note: if you enjoy having sex with someone who is not comfortable, it would be a good idea to talk to a sexologist and / or psychotherapist about it.)A good compromise can be made by slowly moving the comfort zone. Because maybe I don't want or want anal sex, but maybe I'm willing to have an anal massage for now (without putting anything inside)? Or maybe even a little finger in the anus or a butt plug ? Can any activity help me to meet my partner's needs? Maybe gradually anal stimulation will be so pleasant for me that I will look at anal intercourse with readiness and curiosity?

Talk to me!

But how to compromise? " In order for something to change, people have to communicate ," says Marta Niedźwiecka. For many people it is probably a truism that communication is the most important in sex, but of course this slogan is not so easy to implement. Therefore, below I present the basics of a great method of communicating your needs and emotions.We are talking about non-violent communication (NVC). This method is worth using in various relationships, but it seems especially useful in matters that are emotional for us. Instead of accusing your partner of strange fantasies or, on the other hand, shouting: "Because you always ridicule my ideas," it's good to take a breath first and think about what content you would like to convey to your partner.